Sneezing - Get a Grip

Dear Reader, 

I have become increasingly irritated by the sneezing habits of certain people in our household, namely Smiffy, my dear lady wife. As a consequence I need to share my frustration in the hope that you, dear reader, will perhaps identify with my frustration. In this way I shall get some validation and feel less like an intolerant fool. 

I understand that people sneeze. I sneeze. There is nothing wrong with that. The thing that causes me the irritation is the sneezing cycle, the handling of the sneeze and the noise.

Different people sneeze differently, this I also understand. There are dainty sneezes, that are nothing more than a cute squeak, (normally girls). There are keep it in sneezers and there are let it out sneezers. Let it out sneezers celebrate the sneeze in all its glory whereas the keep it in sneezer suppresses the sneeze to the best of their ability. This does not always work, sometimes the sneeze is too strong and it becomes a let it out sneeze anyway. Sometimes the keep it in sneezer is caught unawares and becomes a let it out sneezer for the moment.

I am a keep it in sneezer. I have become quite good at it and enjoy the little white dots that swim in front of the eyes if you have managed to keep in a particularly strong one. Occasionally I to become a let it out sneezer. If I am caught unawares then I become a violent and messy sneezer. I have not celebrated the sneeze, I have been overwhelmed by the sneeze. This is a sign of weakness. This is also messy. That sneeze was smarter than me and has won a battle. I try not to lose sleep over these losses.

Whilst writing this post I have become annoyed by the number of red lines appearing all over it. Apparently sneezer isn't a word. I have added it to the dictionary so it is now. Moving on...

Smiffy is in a different category. She is a serial sneezer. She is also a let it out sneezer. Finally she has a unique sneeze sound, a two-part sneeze which starts with an irritating sound which is then followed by really irritating one. If you follow Women's tennis then you may recognise the name of Victoria Azarenka, if you don't then here is a sample of here particular vocal skills.

This is closest real life example I can find to the second sound. Sneeze sound, then this. Sneeze sound, then this. Sneeze sound, then this. Sneeze sound, then this. Repeat NINE TIMES. 

I like to think of myself as a tolerant human. I can cope with a sneeze. I might even be able to cope with nine, let it out and all. It's the follow through that kills me. I can't sit through a game of tennis featuring Victoria Azarenka and I can't sit through one of my wife's sneezing fits. Does this make me a bad husband?

It seems a little unfair that I have castigated one of my wife's habits for comic effect, especially as she is not here to defend herself. She will however, beat me repeatedly when she has read this post. So to balance things out, I will categorically not be doing a similar piece on burping out loud in public next week.

More soon Dear Reader  xxx    

The Sound of The Omen

Dear Reader,

So, whilst watching the horror classic The Omen (1976, not the remake), my mind was strangely drawn to another movie, The Sound Of Music. Two films that are not exactly on the same page with regards to audience, content or theme. Two films that are hardly on the same page within our own house-hold either. The Omen scores highly, whilst the Sound Of Music is something that comes on at Christmas, that I grumble through with a grudging acceptance of it's genius whilst Smiffy, my wife and tireless editor would probably be happy to watch on loop endlessly whilst I serve her liquid food intravenously.

Sickly Sweet Nanny

The More Demonic Variety

If you are unaware of either (or both) of these celluloid classics then some background may be required. Let's start with The Omen, which, like The Exorcist and  Carrie were truly shocking, scary movies, that challenged  the boundaries of what was acceptable at the time. Censorship took an extended lunch, it seemed. The Omen's most important character is Damien, the son of the devil, who, (rather incomprehensibly), happens to land in the lap of an American diplomat and his wife.

The Sound of Music however, is from a different decade and different camp (pun intended) of movie entirely. This, along with Mary Poppins were the the truly great sugar-candy soaked musicals of the sixties. Suffice to say that although I appreciate how good these films are, poking me in the eye regularly at Christmas time with cocktail sticks would be light relief from watching these screen gems on loop. The Sound Of Music is all about a bunch of brats in pre-WWII Austria struggling to be lovely under the iron-gauntlet of their father until Julie Andrews comes along, and tells them that doh is in fact a deer, a female deer, Ray is a ray of golden sun (not my recent builder) etc etc and all is well again.

Where the hell is this going, I hear you ask? Rightly so, onward, and to the point... a long time coming though it may have been.

Whilst musing during The Omen I identified a clear connection between itself and The Sound Of Music... strong female nanny characters... bear with me. Granted the nanny character in the Omen was a sour-faced matron touting Devil Dog fiends from the denizens from hell, whilst Julie Andrews was more about puppet shows, singing and generally being nice, the point is they are both strong characters that looked after and influenced children. The children in question should also be considered in this rather pained analogy; Julie has to look after seven gifted entertainers who wouldn't harm a flea, whilst the nanny character from The Omen has to deal with the son of the devil, who was a bit of a handful, what with hospitalising his mother and attempting to take over the world and all... Can you imagine Supernanny trying to put him in timeout? Anyhoo...

Having made this extremely tenuous (some would say non-existent) connection between these two great movies where the fuck am I going with this?  Well for me the title of this posts explains my thoughts rather aptly. It seems that Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ben Elton and Co can make a musical about almost anything these days so here's the pitches...

Pitch 1:

Sour-faced denizen from Hell nanny complete with collection of rabid Rottweilers is delivered to a romantic location in pre-WWII Austria where her task will be to turn her deeply irritating collection of seven brats who have occasionally been known to throw stones into a vocal harmony singing group. Imagine her journey from devil-worshiper to competent nanny, complete with the Rotties giving birth to seven Rottie puppies who turn out to be a singing group themselves.

Pitch 2:

Julie Andrews (or more to the point the modern equivalent, who will be chosen in the new BBC talent search "Who Wants to Sing the Sound Of  the Omen"), will be placed in a fractured household of a diplomat (constantly hounded by mad priests and equally mad journalists) to replace the previously deceased (hanged) nanny and will by the virtue of song and puppet shows put Damien on the straight and narrow. The song "Why Am I Not The Same", a solo featuring the nanny cradling the young Damien in her arms, discovering the 666 tattoo on his forehead and telling him everything will be OK is destined to become a classic.

For me either would make a musical I might go and see.

Watch out for The Sound Of Omen coming to a theatre near you. Andrew, are you listening?

If you have not seen The Omen or The Sound Of Music none of this will make any sense whatsoever. Having read this back, it may well be the case that if you have seen both of these movies this will post will still make no sense whatsoever. Oh well, publish and be damned.

More soon dear reader xxx

BlogLovin Setup

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Dear Reader,

A slightly bizarre post I know, but was required by the nice people at BlogLovin to link their site to my blog. This is another shameless marketing ploy on my part, but if you like reading blogs then BlogLovin looks like a good way of managing your blogs of note and discovering new ones, like mine!

Enjoy

xx

Migration and Wheelie Bins - The Untold Story.

Dear Reader,

Whilst listening to the local news this morning I was somewhat bemused to hear that a provincial train line between pimplesthorpe and ducksbottom (or something similar, I forget the detail) had been disrupted by a wheelie bin on the line.

The wheelie bin is a truly global object, and as such has different labels in different countries so a picture should avoid any confusion.

Lesser Spotted Yellow Wheelie Bin - 1100ltr

I don't know if this is a global phenomenon, but in the UK trains can be disrupted by all manner of things, and quite often the description of the sentence ends with the words on the line.

A number of examples; snow, the wrong type of snow, leaves, cows, cars, sheep, caravans, dew, slippery rain, excessive heat, too many passengers, giant clowns (I kid you not) and illegal immigrants.

Now I must add to that list the wheelie bin. Having done a little research on the subject it appears that this is normally the result of some sort of vandalism, push a wheelie bin in front of a train, and oh how much fun ensues. Stick me in a room for an hour with one of these gentleman tied to a chair and we will see how much fun ensues, sorry, I digress.

What really got me about this was the news that the line was now running normally, by normally I mean running late as opposed to not at all. Apparently the wheelie bin had "moved away", this from the horses', sorry, newscasters' mouth. This is an easy mistake to make if you watch provincial news broadcasts. Oops, digressing again.

So the wheelie bin hadn't been removed from the area by diligent, long-suffering train line workers, nor had it been smashed to pieces by a train hitting it, no, it had "moved away", presumably of it's own accord.

The picture at the top of this piece tells us that wheelie bins have wheels (no shit) and therefore are mobile, although stairs would be a challenge.

Having researched this at great length (in my mind) it also appears that wheelie bins are migratory, and that their migratory habits are dictated by their colour and marking.

Taking the lesser spotted yellow wheelie bin (1100 ltr) pictured above as an example: predominant in the western hemisphere,  prefers sunnier climates, migrates South for the Winter.

It transpires that there are many species of wheelie bins, identified by colours, number of wheels, capacity, material and lid or lidless. For those who are unaware of this cornucopia of nature that exists in our backyards  I have provided a guide (not exhaustive) of some of the species resident in the UK.

Classic Black English 2 Wheeler (550 ltr)

The most common UK specimen, this is a largely static breed which enjoys interaction with humans. However   if a mating opportunity occurs, the Classic Black will grasp the moment with both wheels...

Black on Black

The male being the larger of the species. I was luck enough to get hold of an example of cross-breeding which apparently is quite rare, some Black males disapprove of this behaviour, which probably explains the nest...

Nesting Pair of Common Black and Regal Green

During the breeding season, less aggressive species such as the Regal Green and the Purple Haze will huddle together to avoid confrontation with predatory male groups of Common Blacks...

Regal Green and Purple Haze huddling for security and comfort

Rare more colourful species also exist...

Cross Gender group of Multi-Colour 350 2 wheelers

Who will mate with each other several times, their pigments mix, producing a new and unique generation. This is a rogue off-spring, a mutation, identified by the colouring. The exact reason for this has yet to be identified, however the free-love type attitude to breeding observed in the Multi-Colour 350's is thought to be to blame...

Mutation - Origin Unknown

This is not an exhaustive list. I have barely touched upon the fascinating migratory patterns of the Regal Green, and the mating rituals of the species as a whole. I think you will agree, however, that this is a truly fascinating and largely undiscovered subject which I have shared with you today.

I am merely an amateur in this field, but, dear readers, I am sure amongst you there are some who could contribute to this great science. Feel free to submit your own observations and photos through the comments button below...

More soon Dear Reader xxx

  

Fundamentalism and Flat Pack Furniture Assembly

Dear Reader,

Fundamentalism has been in the news a lot recently. The horrific events in Norway have brought Christian Fundamentalism to the attention of the masses and Muslim Fundamentalism has been in the headlines since the reign of Ayatollah Khomeni in Iran in the 1980's. Fundamentalism hasn't been receiving the greatest press, which on the face of it seems a little unfair. Now, I am not condoning the recent atrocities in Norway or any other horrific act committed by so called fundamentalists, just trying to understand fundamentalism a little bit more.

This doesn't sound like the most promising start to a blog post but bear with me.

So, fundamentalism in a religious sense can be defined by the following statements:

• Their god or gods articulated their will clearly to their prophets.
• Followers have an accurate and reliable record of those revelations.

Seems simple enough, right? Fundamentalism, assuming the above is true, has no room for grey areas, it either is or it isn't. This post isn't about tearing apart any of the above, this post is about taking those basic statements and applying them to the modern world.  Let's see how we get on.

Enter Eric, who is a fundamentalist flat pack furniture assembler. He has just gone to a major furniture retailer and made a purchase, now he has opened the box and is presented with a set of instructions. This is the word of god Ikea, articulated through the prophet Benno (an 80" cd tower).

Eric considers this to be a promising beginning to the words of Benno. Assuming the altar is pictured it is a little on the skinny but who is he to question. Benno must be a very important prophet as his name is in bigger letters that the great god Ikea's. Let's move on.

Wow, thinks Eric, there is a lot of information to process here, Benno seems to think that a picture paints a thousand words. Some words would help though. The first image must be Benno, who it seems is (or was) a carpenter. The second image is a little trickier, should one not urinate on things when you are your knees? Apparently stroking them is OK though. The third image is a little clearer. Benno is confused by the words of the great god Ikea, the telephone is obviously metaphorical. The fourth image presents many challenges of interpretation, has Benno failed some sort of test? Maybe things will become clearer later.

So this makes a little more sense, thinks Eric. Benno is to build something, and he will need these items. He is a carpenter, he will understand.

Eric thinks the great god Ikea has been quite explicit here. Twelve things need to be inserted into two long things. Ten other things interconnect with some things, OK maybe not quite as clear as first thought. Is Benno being instructed to build an altar?

Once more, this seems to be quite specific, and yet confusing at the same time. Twelve objects are inserted somewhere with the aid of a screwdriver. And then the pencils, is this some sort of test? Two pencils at the same time?

Hmmm, thinks Eric. So picture 5 is about direction. Is this the direction the altar should be facing? Or is it the direction one should be facing when one is at prayer. Picture 6 clearly involves six nails. Confusingly Benno seems to have taken on a more human form, is this significant?

Eric is becoming a little exasperated. The words of Benno are nearly complete and he really is none the wiser. What is one to make of this? The altar spoke and requested 40 things and this allowed something else to levitate above? Eventually leading to a number of arrows appearing? 

Ah, thinks Eric, so this is a clear reference to the image on the second page. Unfortunately I am still none the wiser. Eric checks the box, what is all this wood for?

However, Eric has made more than one purchase. Perhaps Ektorp (Love Seat Cover) will have the answers...

So, Eric's fundamentalist approach to words has left him without a CD tower, but on the plus side he does have a huge quantity of discarded MDF in his garage. Also he has deduced that Benno was a carpenter. The furnishing of his flat is a little sparse though.

IKEA and their rivals really need to heed the basic tenets of fundamentalism, if they did Eric might get a CD Tower.

More soon dear reader xx