Saturday, 24 December 2011

The Annual Christmas Tree Argument

Dear Reader, 

It's that time of year again. Carollers lurk menacingly outside supermarkets and stalk the streets, singing to their prey. There is anarchy in the shops where normally kind and gentle folk fight tooth and nail for the last precious gift for little Timmy. Turkeys the world over are preparing for their annual break in the West Indies. Yes, it's Christmas, time of extra holidays, over-indulgence, present swapping and arguments. That's right; arguments.

I could talk about shopping-related meltdowns, but in my household this is less of an issue since the inception of on-line shopping. Thank god. I do have to indulge in some retail torture but when sent I have instructions.

There is, however, a yearly argument that develops during the erection of the Christmas decorations. I am already in a bad mood, as retrieving the Christmas decorations from our garage would try the patience of someone far more patient than me. The problem here is that Christmas decorations only come out at Christmas. They then spend 350 days a year packed away in boxes and bin liners waiting to make another appearance. A lot has happened in the intervening time and my little brain has only got so much space for important information like "Where are the Christmas decorations stored exactly?" It is flushed down the cranial toilet by the middle of January. As a consequence, come December I find the Christmas tree box (handily illustrated with a picture of a Christmas tree, otherwise this too would be lost) along with any other boxes and bags in the near vicinity. I hope that this will be all the decorations. 

This proves not to be the case. I have found the main tree, a small tree which sits in the window, one piece of useful tinsel (which the cats immediately get friendly with), and the old set of baubles. The old set of baubles I hear you ask? Yes the old set, different colour scheme you see.

You may be wondering why we still have them, as opposed to having donated them to charity or something. To understand this you have to understand the house policy on parting with things, which is, never part with things ever. Store them, somewhere, forever. It is possible, that in the future, we may end up in a house where we need two dishwashers, three fridges and a second Christmas Tree with silver themed decorations. The justifications become so thin that they are almost see-through, but the result is always the same - things end up in the garage. The garage is full, and the garage is scary, especially in the dark.

So, having failed to procure all of the Christmas decorations at the first attempt, a deeper search of the aforementioned garage is required. This requires opening everything which could conceivably contain Christmas decorations. After some physical injury i.e. boxes falling on my head and the rediscovery of a Teasmaid, I find a box cleverly labelled X-MAS DECS. You can see how my patience has been tested. This, however,  is only the entree, the main course is yet to come. It comes in the form of the annual Christmas tree argument. I used to be the aggressor in this argument which went like this:

Me: I hate this Christmas tree.
DLW (Dear Lady Wife): It's fine, it has served us well for many years.
Me: It's small cheap and tacky. One day I am going to get rid of it and get a new one.
DLW: Yes dear.

Crap Old Christmas Tree - through my eyes.
Three Christmas's ago I snapped. Rather than put the Christmas tree away in the scary garage I threw the damn thing away. Next year I bought a new one, which is a tiny bit bigger.

As a result the annual Christmas tree argument has a new dynamic, the dear lady wife is now the aggressor, which is more like this:

FLW (Fuming Lady Wife): I hate this Christmas tree.
Me: It's lovely, so much nicer than the old one.
FLW: It's huge, it dominates the room, it's stupid.
Me: It's an aspiration tree, making us aspire to a bigger house with a room big enough to hold it.
FLW: It won't fit anywhere. It's bigger than the one outside the town hall. Where is the old tree?
Me: Errrmm .....

Lovely Christmas Tree - through DLW's eyes.

Interestingly both arguments subside once the tree has been assembled. The (new) baubles have been hung and the strange object which is not an angel (it's ART apparently) has been placed on the top and is almost straight. Maybe we just need to get the Christmas decoration thing out of our systems.

Enough from me, the DLW is sending me shopping again, on CHRISTMAS EVE! I don't have instructions. Must be revenge for the Christmas Tree.

Merry Christmas Dear Reader