Henry VIII

Dear Reader,

My A-Z Challenge careens off on another tangent today and lands on Henry VIII. What a card he was! Due to the partly factual nature of this post, there will be a number of hyperlinks, sorry.

Henry's life was dominated by an unhealthy obsession with the creation of a male heir, (unhealthy more for those failed to provide and / or stood in the way of this quest). Although reportedly fit, sporty and and attractive in the early years of his reign he later became morbidly obese, his waistline expanding dramatically in a short number of years. One presumes therefore in latter life he also had an unhealthy obsession with cake and pies. 

To properly understand  the jolly japes of Henry's reign a timeline is required:

1491 - Born.

1502 - The death of his elder brother Prince Arthur who at the time was married to Catherine Of Aragon (more on her shortly) conferred the title of Prince Of Wales to Henry. Not a bad result for a ten year old.

1503 - Henry, Prince Of Wales is offered as a second husband to Catherine Of Aragon by Henry VII in an attempt to keep cozy with the Spanish. Things were moving fast.

Catherine Of Aragon - the first of many.

1505 - Henry VII bored of attempts to get cozy with Spain. Henry, Prince Of Wales declares the proposed marriage to Catherine void on the basis that it had been arranged without his consent.

1509 - Much toing and froing in court continued until the death of Henry VII. And so at the tender age of 17 Henry, Prince Of Wales married Catherine on the 11th June, followed by the two being crowned on the 24th of the same month. 

You would think a marriage and a coronation would be enough activity for one month, but no, two days later Henry VIII arrested his father's two most unpopular advisors. In what was to become a depressingly common feature of his reign (unless you were an executioner), they were charged with treason and executed the following year.

1511 - Queen Catherine bears first child, a son, yippee! At this point my tale may have ended, but sadly, Henry, Duke of Cornwall died within weeks of birth.

1513 - Henry invades France and wins the Battle Of Spurs, much to the relief of fans of Tottenham Football Club. Whilst hell-raising in Northern France James IV of Scotland took the opportunity to invade England. With the King away, Catherine led the army which defeated the Scots at the Battle of Flodden. Beaten by a woman, ouch.

1516 - Queen Catherine gives birth to another child, this one to survive infancy. Is Henry happy? No, it's a girl, Princess Mary.

1519 - One of Henry's illicit affairs outside of marriage, produces a son, oh the irony.

1525 - Henry's continued impatience with Catherine regarding the production of a male heir causes him to look further afield. Within the Queen's entourage was Anne Boleyn, whom he became infatuated with. It is unclear whether it was her intellectual wit or her habit of wearing t-shirts proclaiming "I give birth to boys" that began the infatuation, but Henry soon became obsessed.

Anne Boleyn - soon to be number two.

1526-1530 - Henry attempts to move Heaven and Earth to get the marriage to Catherine annulled and a  position found that would allow a legal marriage to Anne to occur. Initally skirting his closest and most powerful adviser, Cardinal Thomas Wolseley, he sent his secretary to Rome to sue for an annulment. Annoyingly, the Pope was otherwise disposed, in prison, making access difficult. 

Wolsely eventually got involved, arranging an ecclesiastical court to meet in England. The Pope could not get time out for good behaviour, so an envoy was sent instead. Apparently Catherine's performance in court as the wronged but formidable woman was extremely effective. However, it is believed the Pope was never going to grant the annulment anyway. Wolsley bore the blame for the failure. Had he not died of natural causes in 1530, one suspects the executioner would be getting another phone call to check when the good Cardinal could be fitted in.

1531 - Queen Catherine is banished from court and Anne installed in her place.

1532 - Lawyers were also doing well out of all of this. Thomas Cromwell brought before parliament a number of acts which weakened the position of the church to the point a position of Royal Supremacy was legally established. Later that year, having gained the support of the incumbent king of France, Henry married Anne in secret

1533 - The then Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Cranmer rules on the marriage of Henry and Catherine finding it to be null and void. Five days later, he finds the marriage of Henry and Anne to be valid. Cranmer had previously received a significant leg-up the religious career path, being previously the Boleyn family chaplain. Anne was consequently crowned queen. Later in the year the first child of the marriage arrives. Is Henry happy? No, it's a girl.

1534 - Anne suffers a false pregnancy / miscarriage. Henry sees the failure to provide a son as a betrayal. after all, she had been wearing that t-shirt. As early as Christmas, Henry is trying to find a way out, that does not involve returning to Catherine.

1536 - Catherine of Aragon dies, putting Anne into a dangerous position. She is pregnant again, and if the boy promised by the t-shirt does not show her position would become untenable and probably fatal. Later in the same month Anne miscarries a son. Whilst Anne was recovering from this final miscarriage Henry declares the marriage had been the product of witchcraft, you gotta love him. Henry's latest squeeze, Jane Seymour is moved in. At eye-watering speed, five men including Anne's own brother are arrested on charges including incest, treason and having sexual relationships with the queen. Within days, Anne is also arrested. Within two weeks all six have been found guilty and executed.

A day later Henry is engaged to Jane Seymour, 10 days after that they are married! Imagine how that scenario would have been received if it had happened today.

Jane Seymour - number three.

Around this time, Wales was also legally annexed and became part of England. 

1537 - Jane gives birth to a son, who survives! Jane, unfortunately doesn't, dying from complications from the birth. In the fickle head that is Henry's, Jane is considered to be his true wife. 

1540 - Henry is in the market again, this time Anne of Cleves is in the frame. A portrait painter from court is sent to capture an image of the lady. Henry finds the picture agreeable, convinced no doubt by the many ladies of court who attested to her wit and beauty. Henry found her "unattractive" when she arrived and wished for the marriage to be annulled. Anne, who was not stupid, did everything she could to assist the annulment, as a result she kept her head and gained a castle.

Anne of Cleves - number four and the luckiest of the six.

In another busy year for Henry, by July he was married again, to Catherine Howard.

Catherine Howard - number five.

Although initially things went well, Catherine, rather foolishly, given Henry's public propensity for cutting people's heads off, had an affair.

1541 - The affair is discovered, and eventually proved.

1542 - Catherine is executed, paving the way for another marriage.

1543 - Not tiring of women named Catherine, enter Catherine Parr, who after initially arguing with Henry over religion, wised up and also kept her head.

1547 - Henry dies, obese at the age of 55. 

So, in an astonishing 38 years of reign, Henry married six times, and divorces twice. On two other occasions he takes the easier option of ringing the executioner for appointments. I say executioner, like there was only one. This was clearly not the case. During the 38 years of his reign, it is estimated that 72,000 enemies of the state were executed, many of them publicly. Some feebly reasoned stats and numbers are required...

375,000,000: Estimated value of the royal purse when Henry ascended to the throne in todays money, (sterling). He and by extension the monarchy, died in debt.

72,000: The number of people allegedly executed during this Henry's reign for getting in his way or saying no, basically.

13,723: The number of days Henry spent on the throne.

54: The number of inches Henry's waist measured near death. 

13: The total number of children Henry sired, (recognising two mistresses, there could be more).

6: The number of wives Henry had.

6: The total number of children Henry sired who survived to adulthood, (again recognising two mistresses, there could be more).

5.25: The number of people executed per day during his reign. This is excluding factors such as Christmas, Bank Holidays and executioners' paid leave which would push the number up.

3: The number of legitimate children Henry sired who survived to adulthood, , (again recognising two mistresses, there could be more).

2: The number of wives Henry had executed.

2: The number of wives that survived him.

2: The number of wives he successfully divorced.

1: The number of (legitmate) children Henry cared about. 

1: The number of churches excommunicated with in England during his reign.

1: The number of churches created during his reign.

1: The number of countries invaded.

1: The number of countries annexed.

You have to ask, where did he get the time? I, and I am sure, you Dear Reader are tiring of history lessons, tomorrow to the letter I. 

xx

Libya - A Prayer Answered?

Dear Reader,

In a previous post Libya - A Prayer for the People, in February, I blogged about my feelings regarding the beginnings of the uprising in Libya. The response from Colonel Gaddafi was brutal. So brutal in fact that NATO was forced to act.

Such a charmer...

Now we are in October and Colonel Gaddafi is dead and buried, along with at least one of his sons. Clearly this is a pivotal moment in the history of Libya. The small children of Libya will absorb this in history classes. To a lesser extent this will happen worldwide.

There has been some controversy over the cause of death. Just in case you have been buried under a rock I will explain the facts as I understand them...

• Gaddafi and his cohorts fled their stronghold in Sirte and were tagged by some quite serious aerial ammunition.


• Gaddafi hid in a storm drain. He was found by representatives of the National Transitional Council on the ground who were, to put it mildly, very pleased to see him.


• At this point he was very much alive, albeit carrying some minor wounds.


• Then there is some confusion, regarding the transport of the very much alive Colonel Gaddafi.


• He was after capture, transported to Misrata, during which an incident occurred which resulted in a cross-fire.


• He was fatally wounded during this exchange.


• Although still breathing upon arrival at Misrata, he soon died and it was apparently impossible to resuscitate the Colonel.

Gaddafi's body has been on display for a few days in a Misrata refrigerator, which would normally be selling vegetables. He has now been buried along with the son that also perished at an undisclosed location in the desert.

NATO, and it's partners have questioned with a degree of pressure regarding what occurred on the road between Sirte and Misrata. The National Transitional Council to date have not come up with a conclusive answer more concise than what has been related above.

And why should they? After recent disclosures regarding the demise of Osama Bin Laden I think I know what the issue might be. So, to recap, a merry party happened at the White House where President Obama, dear lady wife (his, not mine) and aides watched the operation that resulted in Bin Laden's death. This was live and via satellite. They even had direct audio contact with the Special Forces dudes. I have previously blogged about this in Bin Laden - My Part in his Downfall. Maybe NATO wanted to a more multi-media type event and are a little annoyed things went down the way they did. Who knows?

On a more serious note, the NTC now have a task before them. Convince the rest of the world that things are good and that Libya now is a country worthy of doing business with. When the oil money starts to flood in, use it to build a stable democratic country and build all the good things like education, healthcare etc that the people of Libya have been robbed of by a dictator who kept all the cash for himself and his family. No more gold plated handguns please.

Above all else, make the country safe. Ensure that the good people of Libya do not have to live in fear and give them a brighter future. Is that too much to ask?

More soon dear reader.

xxx

Rupert's Apology - An in-depth analysis

Dear Reader,

So, the chief of News International, Rupert Murdoch is getting hauled through the mud as a result of the phone-hacking scandal that is already engulfing the UK arm of his newspaper empire and threatens to spread to other parts of his business.

Rupert's Spitting Image cameo.

In damage-control mode he has tried a number of things to mitigate the unfolding disaster, including:

• Shutting down the News Of The World.
• Backing out of his planned takeover of BSkyB.
• Accepting the resignation of Rebekah Brooks, his most powerful UK executive. She has subsequently been arrested as part of the on-going police investigation into the scandal
• Apologising in person to the parents of Mille Dowler, whose phone was allegedly hacked while she was still missing, before being found dead.

Now,  like a good American movie star coming out of re-hab comes the public apology, posted in every mainstream UK newspaper. Below is the text of the letter annotated by my good self.

Rupert: We are sorry.

Me: We are scared, petrified in fact.

Rupert: The News of the World was in the business of holding others to account. It failed when it came to itself.

Me: The News of the World was in the business of producing sensationalist headlines about others. It has succeeded in producing quite a lot of headlines about itself.

Rupert: We are sorry for the serious wrongdoing that occurred. We are deeply sorry for the hurt suffered by the individuals affected.

Me: We are sorry that we got seriously caught. We are deeply sorry for the hurt suffered by News International

Rupert: We regret not acting faster to sort things out. I realise that simply apologising is not enough.

Me: We regret getting caught. I realise that getting caught is not a good thing.

Rupert: Our business was founded on the idea that a free and open press should be positive force in society. We need to live up to this.

Me: Our business was founded on the idea of making headlines, oh, and money. We need to continue doing this.

Rupert: In the coming days, as we take further concrete steps to resolve these issues and make amends for the damage they have caused, you will hear more from us.

Me: In the coming days we will sack and sacrifice whomever is required to make this go away, expect more lies, scapegoats and sacrificial lambs.

Like Rupert, you will hear more from me in the coming days as News International continues to implode in such a spectacular fashion.

More soon dear reader xx

Cat Garden Fight Club

Dear Reader,

So, I recently wrote about London Underground Fight Club which has proved to be the most popular posts on my blog. Today, I am writing about something closer to home, my cats. Specifically Randall, who has grown up a little since my previous post about him and has turned into a small, but perfectly formed adult Scottish Fold. If you don't know the breed enjoy the video below:

Randall is now an adult cat and loves his life. He is largely instructed by one of our elder cats who has taken a bit of shine to him. Most lessons have been taught well and learnt well. However, when it comes to battles over territory his teacher lacks the skills that need to be passed down. Our teachers' reaction to a territorial matter is not that of a typical cat. It is, shall we say, sort of Italian. That is to say, find reverse gear as quickly as possible and move away rapidly from a confrontation. Randall has either chosen not to accept this piece of wisdom or has made up his reaction to territorial invasion on his own.

These are the rules which most cats observe, if a cat violates my territory then the following should occur:

1. Staring and Freezing: Both parties, once aware of each others presence should hold stance at a significant distance and stare.
2. Having locked horns/eyes the stare should be held whilst the territorial owner should by small increments get closer to the other cat.
3. As the distance is slowly closed the invading cat should yowl, showing the other cat that it is not going to back down. This may take some time.
4. After some time the invading cat will normally start a very slow backing down process, which involves reversing very slowly to the nearest exit, whilst never taking eyes off the territory owner. Eventually the process ends at this point if it has not already been interrupted by an irritated neighbour or by me in my dressing gown.

Randall's approach is a little more straightforward and can be described thus:

1. Staring and Freezing: Both parties, once aware of each others presence should hold stance at a significant distance and stare.
2. Randall becomes bored and runs full pelt at the initially surprised invader. Unsure what to do, unsettled by this clear violation of the rules of engagement, instinct kicks and he (or she) runs too. No doubt pondering what the hell had just happened.   

Oh, and he doesn't know the golden rule of cat garden fight club, as in, he always talks about it.

Oops, it has just been pointed out to me that this my third cat related post in recent weeks. Apologies dear reader I can't help myself. Time for something more fluffy, light-hearted and cute, like Rupert Murdoch and  the imminent demise of News International.

Coming soon dear reader xxx 

  

Bin Laden - My Part in his Downfall.

Dear Reader,

Much has been said in the media in the last few days regarding the demise of Osama Bin Laden. Much more has come out of the mouths of just about every member of the Obama administration and politicians from across the world. So now that I choose to throw my two pennies worth in I am at least in good company.

Before I attempt to justify the claim that the title of this post suggests, it is worth just going over again some of the salient details of the operation which caught my eye and got me thinking.

So, a whole hunk of Special Forces types were tasked with taking down America's public enemy number one in his ostentatiously large and eye-wateringly visible hideout in Pakistan. This may have come as a bit of a surprise to said Special Forces types who have been chasing around largely uninhabited caves in northern Afghanistan for much of the last ten years without an iota of success.

A serious mission then. With some serious communications technology attached it appears. It emerged shortly after the initial announcement that President Obama, Michelle Obama and presumably a number of others were watching this live in a room in the White House. OMG, no pressure for the nice people in Special Forces then. And what level of interaction did the White House have with the Special Forces team involved? Could they talk to them, issue orders? This is starting to sound like a special White House only mission in Call Of Duty, possibly with Michelle pressing the wrong button when fighting with the President for the Playstation or XBox controller. Moving swiftly on...

Apparently live updates were provided by Special Forces throughout the operation. Wouldn't it be nice if that was done via Twitter? New post from SFAnon... In Bin Laden's bedroom, oh I wouldn't have chosen that color... Or, perhaps not.

So, to the point of the story. Having been dragged into London for the Royal Wedding (see previous post OMFG, It's a Royal Wedding for my thoughts on this subject), by my wife and editor Smiffy, we met with friends in the evening for a few drinkies and a bit of a chat. Whilst alternately sipping Pimms and Lager (all that was on offer, in plastic cups) in Soho Square the conversation moved onto conspiracy theories. The conversation went like this...

Smiffy: I don't think they are even looking for Bin Laden especially after what happened when Saddam Hussein was caught alive. I mean, what would they do with him? Imprisonment, trial and all the publicity that would generate? Easier to let him hide in the hills.

Me: Agreed, look at all the publicity Saddam got, hanging leaked on YouTube etc. That sort of fiasco would be counter-productive.

Alistair: Indeed, the best thing to do if they were looking for him would be to finish him quickly.

Conversation shortly moved onto other matters and all was forgotten.

Until, eight days later when I receive a text from Alistair which simply said maybe they were looking for him after all... I was in the car at the time, and as soon as I reached a destination I checked the news and there it was, Bin Laden dead. Not only dead, but rapidly disposed of with not one upload on YouTube. Slick.

Consequently, I would like to take a little credit for what has occurred. The CIA, via some satellite, (obscurely pointing at Soho) zoned into our conversation when we mentioned Bin Laden. Analysing the conversation the Obama administration clearly realised that they had been rumbled and things had to change. Better still, we had provided the appropriate method of running the operation (without the Call Of Duty type embellishments) and of dealing with the outcome.

But of course, all of the above is probably all in my mind.

So having suitably explained the outrageous claim in the title of this post, I am off to obtain a super-injunction against nobody in particular via Twitter.

More soon xxx

Libya - A Prayer for the People

Dear Reader, 

Recently I submitted a comical (allegedly) post about the the domino effect in it's various forms. One of those was of a political variety. It seems that another domino effect is taking place in the Middle East as we speak. 

I think it only fair that I apologise in advance for the number of hyper-links in this post. By it's very nature, there is a lot of supplemental information floating around my simplistic overview of what is occurring. This whole re-defining, (if that is the appropriate phrase), of power bases throughout the Middle East, (and potentially beyond) requires a lot more supplemental information than I can easily paraphrase in a single post. 

Firstly Tunisia, whose 23 year regime fell in a largely bloodless overthrow. Interestingly a leak from Wikileaks has been cited as one of the the key influences for this uprising, which is (in my opinion), an under documented positive result from Julian Assange and his colleagues. Important in this uprising was the support of the military, who decided that suppressing this uprising by force would not be the right way to go. Just to balance this, it should also be pointed out that when Tunisia's leader Zine_El_Abidine_Ben_Ali came to power, it was a as a result of a similar shift in military support.

So onto Egypt, whose 18 days of largely peaceful demonstration led to the eventual deposing of President Husni Mubarrak. This result did not come without a fight however. A fight fought on many fronts, utilising the existing control he still held over communications (i.e mobile phones and the internet) and the more traditional violent route. Again, crucially the military held sway, now in temporary power until a new power structure is put into place on a democratic footing.

Onto Bahrain, whose current situation is better than it was a couple of days ago. Again, the military, and crucially, the police have stood down, allowing peaceful protest and a dialogue is opening between the ruling Royal Family and the protesters.

It should be noted that this upsurge in demonstration is also being felt in Yemen and Morocco. Quite a domino effect I think you will agree.

So, onto the reason for the post, Libya. This country is also gripped in a storm of rebellion, typified by a leader who has long outstayed his welcome. The key difference between the examples cited above and Libya is that the military are not the tools of government, they are the government. 

Colonel Gaddafi has been in power in Libya since 1969. He has resisted numerous attempts to remove him, including US bombing raids in response to the 1986 Berlin Discoteque Bombing which Libya was thought to be a sponsor of. Libya was also thought to be a sponsor of the Lockerbie bombing, so not the most pro-Western regime in the world.

He has also resisted rigorous economic and political sanctions from the UN, when it comes to holding onto power whilst breathe is still in the body, he seems to be a professional clinger.

Clearly things aren't running as smoothly (if you are a protester) here. Reports of widespread slaughter are rife. Although it is comforting to hear that two Libyan jet pilots have defected to Malta, the reasons why are not so comforting. Having been given orders to bomb protesting civilians, they chose not to.

I am, as I write this, listening to a live feed from the BBC. Reports of protesters being bombed and genocide in the streets of Tripoli are not encouraging. This coming from the entire Libyan delegation to the UN, pleading for international intervention to stop the genocide.

So, no comedy here, apologies for that, but there doesn't appear to be anything to laugh about. Colonel Gaddaffi may be at this point fleeing to Venezuela, (let's hope so) but more importantly lets hope that some of the stories flooding out of Libya are not as bad as they sound.

My prayers, (such as they are) are with you along with I'm sure those of my readers. A swift and peaceful resolution to this situation is the only acceptable outcome.

Back soon, dear reader with a more (hopefully) positive post.

xx

Mr Cameron’s Big Society – an explanation

Dear Reader,

Once upon a time there was a politician with a big idea. That politician got to be Prime Minister which gave him the opportunity to implement this big idea. As it was a really big idea it needed a really big name – Big Society. That politician is the current UK PM David Cameron. If you are unaware of this big idea, or like many people don’t understand it, I am here to help.

A couple of links may be helpful:

David C, speaking in Liverpool about the “big idea”

DC launching the big idea. Not the most popular video on YouTube, my cats have considerably more hits, but that’s for another day. However the comments, all two of them, are amusing.

If you can’t be bothered to waste 1:48 mins of your life watching this you could read the full transcript of this speech as published by 10 Downing Street here. This may take you even longer than 1:48 mins of your life.

Using the transcript above I will attempt to paraphrase the published speech above with some comments of my own, thusly doing something that may well take even longer to read, but hopefully sort this thing out. DC will say his piece and I will dissect.

DC: I’ve been in Downing Street for a couple of months now and it seems to me that the business of government falls into two categories.
There are the things you do because it’s your duty.
Sometimes unpopular – but you do them because it is in the national interest.
But there are the things you do because it’s your passion.
The things that fire you up in the morning, that drive you, that you truly believe will make a real difference to the country you love.
Moi: Wow, government sounds so easy, unpopular things and popular things, I get it.

DC: And my great passion is building the Big Society.

So I can’t tell you how excited I am that, after all that talking, we’re now finally doing.

And today, I want to take this opportunity to explain some of the real, practical steps that we are taking to help make the Big Society a reality.

Moi: Strap in, the ride could become bumpy…
DC: But before I get into the details, let me briefly explain what the Big Society is and why it is such a powerful idea.
Moi: I’m listening…
DC: You can call it liberalism. You can call it empowerment. You can call it freedom. You could call it responsibility. I call it the Big Society.

Moi: I would call it confusing.

DC: The Big Society is about a huge culture change…

…where people, in their everyday lives, in their homes, in their neighbourhoods, in their workplace…

…don’t always turn to officials, local authorities or central government for answers to the problems they face …

…but instead feel both free and powerful enough to help themselves and their own communities.

Moi …?!?…

DC: It’s about people setting up great new schools. Businesses helping people getting trained for work. Charities working to rehabilitate offenders.

Moi: Sounds like it’s about people doing stuff the government won’t be able to afford to do anymore as a result of spending cuts. People will be getting paid for this, right?

DC: And this is such a powerful idea for blindingly obvious reasons.

Moi: Consider me blinded.

DC: For years, there was the basic assumption at the heart of government that the way to improve things in society was to micro-manage from the centre, from Westminster.

But this just doesn’t work.

We’ve got the biggest budget deficit in the G20.

And over the past decade, many of our most pressing social problems got worse, not better.

It’s time for something different, something bold – something that doesn’t just pour money down the throat of wasteful, top-down government schemes.

Moi: So it’s time for something that pours money down the throat of government in different and amusing ways.

DC: The Big Society is that something different and bold.

The question is: how can we build it?

The truth is that we need a government that actually helps to build up the Big Society.

Moi: Hmmm. The Big Society is a whole new bunch of quangos and bureaucracies that replace the old bunch of quangos and bureaucracies that have new and different names. They will undoubtedly have the word Big in their titles and require a Big building.

DC: These are the three big strands of the Big Society agenda.

First, social action.

The success of the Big Society will depend on the daily decisions of millions of people – on them giving their time, effort, even money, to causes around them.

Moi: The success of the Big Society will depend on tax payers giving more than they do currently.

DC: Second, public service reform.

We’ve got to get rid of the centralised bureaucracy that wastes money and undermines morale.

And in its place we’ve got give professionals much more freedom, and open up public services to new providers like charities, social enterprises and private companies so we get more innovation, diversity and responsiveness to public need.

Moi: We would like charities and private enterprise to run bits of the country we don’t want to run anymore.

DC: And third, community empowerment.

We need to create communities with oomph – neighbourhoods who are in charge of their own destiny, who feel if they club together and get involved they can shape the world around them.

Moi: Communities with oomph? Could this mean club together and work with a whole new bunch of red tape you don’t understand and that has just been invented to make the old bunch of red tape that you were getting a handle on redundant, just as you were making something happen.

At this point I thought it would be best to move onto the conclusion…

DC: It’s my hope – and my mission – that when people look back at this five, ten year-period from 2010, they’ll say:

Moi: I’m still in power…

DC: ‘In Britain they didn’t just pay down the deficit, they didn’t just balance the books, they didn’t just get the economy moving again, they did something really exciting in their society.’

Moi: Here’s to hoping…

DC: Whether it is in building affordable housing, tackling youth unemployment, inviting charities to deliver public services…

…the people in Britain worked out the answer to the big social problems.

A big part of that answer is the Big Society.

I think we are on to a really big idea, a really exciting future for our country and today, I hope, is one more, big step towards that.

Moi: Well, if you think that pigeons have big steps then give yourself a big pat on the back.

OK, back to little me. Now I may be coming over as a little negative and cynical, but that’s because I am a little negative and cynical. I think I really do understand the Big Idea now, and it is a Big Plaster over some very Big Spending Cuts.

Over and out, dear reader.

Once Upon A Time In Luton

Dear Readers,

So, this should have been a simple train journey into London on a Saturday...

Getting tickets was easy, getting a seat was easy, I knew where I wanted to go. What could go wrong? I only made one slight miscalculation on my journey. This miscalculation manifested itself a few stations down the line.

Having ensconced myself on the train I committed myself to making three stars on some Angry Birds levels that had been bugging me for an age (for the record I got one more, several more to go). Digressing already!

I was half listening to a conversation being held further down the carriage between two employees of the train line operator regarding current upgrade work that was going on which interested me because me and my dear wife use this line quite regularly. However as we approached their eventual destination (not mine, I had much further to go) the conversation turned to the what the police had been doing to the town in advance of the march.

My half listening capability tuned in and reached full listening (I don't have the ability to give 110%, oh and neither does anybody else, sports people, office workers, anybody!) Digressing again.

"So they've turned the centre into a fortress, nobody can get in or out" said one of the charming and suddenly reassuringly large gentlemen that were sharing my carriage. A short transcription between the two lovely gentlemen who I will coin Fred and Bill ensues:

• [Fred]: So, what the police have done is lock down the entire town centre so no one can get in or out.
• [Bill]: Really and why have they done that (Bill, like me, doesn't read the papers).
• [Me, Quietly]: Really? And why have they done that!?!
• [Fred]: Look, you can see what they have done if you look out the window...
• [Bill]: Blimey. (A man of few words).
• [Me, Quietly]: Ah, so the entire town centre has been zoned off with very expensive looking barbed wire fences, yet it looks deserted. I wonder where all this trouble could be. Oh and look yonder, judging by the number of special incident vehicles strategically parked over there they must have been expecting the mother of all battles.
• [Bill]: Wow
• [Me, Quietly]: OMFG
• [Fred] Yeah, it's the English Defence League Rally.

OK, worth dropping out of the conversation for just a mo, especially if you are reading this outside of England, just to put this particular group and current location in to context. So the English Defence League, is what appears to be an organisation of disenfranchised football hooligans who want another excuse to fight. Along with some others who undoubtedly have some deep concerns about the national identity of Britain, ah, the ultra-nationalists then. Happy campers, one and all. The last time they visited Luton the trouble caused was almost apocalyptic.

So back to the train... by now we are rolling into town station...

• [Fred]: Blimey, there's loads of 'em.
• [Me, Quietly]: OMFG, there's loads of 'em

Six deep at the platform, however there is a comforting police presence. Upon departing the station stop, my carriage is populated as follows:

Me, a very nervous looking black couple who had jumped on at the last station, a large number of English Defence League supporters and a noticeable absence of Fred, Bill and more importantly the police!!! As you can imagine my joy at this turn of events could only be measured by a machine that was designed to measure unfortunate turns of events and convert these events into joy.

Whilst staring fixedly at my phone in the hope of staying alive, occasionally I would steal glances in their direction, interested in their attire, and also their demographic make-up. Depressingly, mingled in with the largely older and expected hooligan scum-bags were a small number of younger activists. Even more depressingly, the young feminine side was also evident - something that was seen much on the hooligan terraces where a lot of these idiots were brought up. They flagrantly wore their "colours", EDL badged hoodies along with (in the feminine cases), English badged wellies (seriously)!

In their extremely limited defence I have to state that nothing bad happened to anyone, apart from a severely increased heart-rate for myself and the unfortunate black couple who, as far as I know, continued their journey without further harassment, as did I.

And so to wrap up...

About 1,500 EDL members (if that is how you refer to them), managed to make it to Luton. The bill for policing this group came in at about 800,000 of your English pounds. Add to this the cost of locking down a town centre on a Saturday, which, at time of writing I do not have the numbers for. It would appear that the right to free speech can actually be quite expensive.

As a result of the measures imposed this rally passed off peacefully.

There still appears to be a number of people in this country who just want to fight, and they will jump on any band-wagon to ensure they have a justification. What worries me is the ones who want to fight use and use belief (be it religious or political) as an excuse to cause some trouble.

Belief can be a wonderful thing, but so dangerous in the wrong hands, especially if those hands are quite happy to use them.

More soon dear reader xxx

OMFG, it's a Royal Wedding!

Dear Followers and Others Who Have Been Attracted by the word Royal Wedding...

Firstly, this not a desperate attempt to increase traffic to my site by cashing in on Royal Wedding fever, oh no, you wouldn't catch me doing that...

Royal Wedding Kate William Royal Wedding Kate William Royal Wedding Kate William Royal Kate William Wedding Kate William Royal Wedding Kate William Royal Wedding Kate William Royal Wedding Kate William Royal Wedding.

... because that would be desperate. Glad we got that sorted out.

Now, I have been forced to write about this for two reasons, firstly because it is topical, but more importantly because my dear lady wife Smiffy cannot get the damned occasion out of her head. I, on the other hand am just a little less bothered.

I do appreciate that as a resident of the UK there will be some rather dull but fiscally attractive benefits to certain businesses. I also appreciate that the UK tourism industry will get a healthy shot in the arm as a result of the union. An early estimate puts this number to be around 620 million of your English pounds. Really? And how did this figure come to pass? One would assume that the meeting involved an extremely unhappy donkey with a very bloody tail, along with some over-enthusiastic young economists waving slide-rules around in gradually decreasing circles.

Anyway, this is truly wonderful, but largely boring. I have to deal with issues closer to home. Smiffy is over-enthused by the idea, reminiscing on previous royal weddings etc. I think a transcript is required...

Smiffy: William and Kate are getting married!

Me: Oh, that's nice, are they your side or my side because I don't recognise the name.

Smiffy: The Royal Wedding, idiot!

Me: Oh, that wedding... are we invited?

Smiffy: Only if we win a competition that I have not seen but dreamed about.

Me: So, minimal chance of me getting on the dance floor towards the end of the night, requesting (probably aggressively) Born Slippy by Underworld?

Smiffy: It's William and Kate!

Me: Is that good or bad? More importantly, (refer to previous question) is that Yes or No?

Smiffy: IT'S WILLIAM AND KATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your exaggerated use of CAPS must mean this is very important. Am I missing something?

Smiffy: Do not fuck with me, husband.

Me: Good point, well made. Please provide me with the facts required to share the love that you have regarding the union of William and Kate

Smiffy: Oh, FFS, are you completely divorced from reality?

Me: (Phew) Oh it is just that William and that Kate, I was starting to get a little worried.

Smiffy: Right, that's it you have forced me into measures I would not normally deploy.

Me: Such as what?

Smiffy: Really large fonts to make my point. Once more, with feeling, it's William and Kate!!

Me:, Ah, OK, I get the picture. You think this is important; so, sell it to me.

Smiffy: There will be an extra bank holiday because of the wedding.

Me: Really, oh that William and Kate! Glad we've cleared that up.

I now entirely buy into the idea and am enthused, as there is something in it for me.

Any chance we can roll-over the bank holiday to each Wedding anniversary?

Mr Cameron?

Mr Cameron?

BP Spills Coffee

Dear Reader(s),

This comes a little late, as the 11M+ views will confirm, but if you haven't seen it this is possibly the funniest comment on the recent BP oil spill I have seen. Well worth a watch. Glad it's all sorted out though, for all concerned.

Enjoy! Oh, and BTW this is making look v.lazy, I will produce some actual written words soon.

Cats, Wheelie Bins and Hanging

Well,

A misguided soul walking down a road spies a cat. The cat is of an egregious nature and offers affection to this misguided soul. The misguided soul strokes the cat and this is where the story should end. Except it didn't, because the misguided soul in question took the cat by the scruff of the neck and unceremoniously dumped it in a conveniently placed wheelie bin and then walked off.

There was a time when this would have been an unfortunate end for the cat, and an unfortunate end to the story, but times change. The owner of the cat found the cat in said wheelie bin a day later, hungry, but apart from that unharmed.

What makes this happy ending interesting is the postscript that rocked the world. The owner of the cat had installed movement activated CCTV due to an ongoing issue with the neighbours/area, which was trained on the bin. The owner span back through the archive footage and published the offence on YouTube.

If you have been living under a rock for the last month watch it again here.

This story made the news in the UK and the video went viral across the world. It even spawned response videos on YouTube such as this, highly amusing.

The worldwide outcry to this video have been polarised to say the least, I reproduce some recent comments to the original video;

I hope that cat hunts that old bitch down and claws her death haha

THAT IS SO EVIL. SHE SHOULD BE LOCKED UP IN JAIL. THEY SHOULD THROW WAY THE KEY!

I imagine caps was important to making the point. So why the post, this all happened a while ago, didn't it? I do have a habit of being a little behind the times with posts don't I? Well on this occasion no, because the said misguided soul has been sentenced this very day...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-coventry-warwickshire-11573883

A £250 fine along with some associated court costs coming to about £1100. That must have felt like a let off, really. I thought hanging was going to be introduced for this particular crime, although I suspect it might have been deemed too expensive in the latest round of budgetary cuts, but I digress.

What is pleasing about this whole affair is the power of the camera. A lot of people have been whingeing about the proliferation of CCTV in our country, and how damaging it is. Clearly this is only an issue if you are doing something wrong or something not neccesarily wrong, but a little embarrassing in public places. The technology in question was not government owned but in fact a piece of equipment inexpensively installed by an individual. Just goes to prove that if bad things are happening where you are then get it on tape, publish it and let the world decide. The court of YouTube is now in session.

The Quick and The Resigned.

Life continues to amuse. Once again the activities of senior officials in the UK makes me chuckle.

The gentleman in question on this occasion is Bob Quick. He was an assistant commissioner in the UK police force and more importantly the UK's most senior counter terrorism officer. The requirements of both roles must have expected a certain level of discretion and almost certainly, secrecy. The man was most likely cavorting with spies for pity's sake.

Imagine the embarrassment then when said Mr Quick emerges from a limo for an important meeting at 10 Downing Street. He has a clutch of files, folders and documents in his hand. He looks very important. One small problem; his filing appears to have gone a little astray. A document regarding something very top secret is completely exposed to the hungry lenses of the press, and then circulated around the world. A highly secret anti-terrorism grab raid across the UK is completed "slightly earlier than expected" presumably because the culprits had a rather unexpected heads up. Oh dear.

One can only imagine wailing and wringing of handkerchiefs that have been going on in the Quick household recently. Oh dear.

Having scanned the internet and gathered some comments it would appear that some people think his voluntary resignation regrettable. I do not share this view. Anyone whose job involves working with the intelligence community should be not seen and not heard full stop. Given the position Mr Quick recently occupied I should not even know his name, let alone what he carries under his arm.

Note to Downing Street, have you considered webex?

Richard Timney and Ms Smith…

When I am unsure about what to write about, I cast about the news stories of the UK to see what amuses me and as a consequence may amuse you. So first of all let's paint a picture… There is a big kerfuffle in Whitehall regarding MP's expenses. Ms Smith is an MP and she is one of the more prominent ones, Home Secretary in fact.

This kerfuffle was rather amusingly made even more public when it emerged that Ms Smith had mistakenly claimed £10 for two items of pornographic material rented through a satellite/ broadband TV provider.

It is for the record pointed out that Ms Smith, who has repaid the monies mentioned, is very embarrassed about the whole affair. It should also be pointed out that her husband Richard Timney also made a statement regretting the purchase of said material whilst his wife was away on business. One can only imagine how much grief he is getting at home.

Anyhow, what's happened has happened. Hotels itemise purchases of material of this nature as "insert non-descript narrative for services here". I imagine that said TV providers do something similar. So I guess a little tip for Ms Smith in future when claiming for items on the telly bill in future would be if it is not a specifically named program or film, ITS PORN!