Postcards from Tenerife - Twinnies and a Car Journey

Dear Reader,

In my last post, I began my experience of being with the Twinnies, AKA Dear Lady Wife and Colleague, in a foreign land. We flew, we arrived and we hired a car. At the end of the last post we had acquired a hire car and began our journey. In short, we had to get from the hire car depot to the motorway, facing in the right direction, drive for about an hour and a bit, and then follow a map scribbled on a piece of paper. Like all good pirate maps, our destination was marked with an X.

Sounds simple enough, but, we have no SatNav, we have a map which has no detail, we have in the car two of the most incompetent people in the world when it comes to navigation and me. Things didn't start well.

Our not particularly glamorous car rental garage, which is a cross between the warehouse where everyone dies in Reservoir Dogs and the dispatch area from cult 70's comedy Taxi, provided us with some instructions for our escape / car rental. "Leff, leff, leff again, straight, head to airport and then keep on going," I was reliably informed by our rental person.

Everyone dies, my Ford focus is just out of shot to the left.

Leff? Leff? Leff again? 

Having departed we go leff, leff, then leff again. In short order we are on a dirt road with vultures circling and coyotes looking eager, this is not the plan. I backtrack, eventually we return to where we started.

The Twinnies, (one in the front, one in the back), find all this highly amusing, this is like some big adventure. After all, once this little issue is solved we will be there in no time. At this point I feel like Thelma and Louises' driver.

Having tried leff, leff and leff for the second time my only choices are leff or straight on. I didn't choose this the first time as arrows make it quite clear that the only way to turn is right. Not wanting to revise the expectations of vulture dinner-time unfairly I plump for right. Shortly we are forced leff and see signs for the motorway. Could this small but obvious flaw in the instructions not have been made clear from the start? A mere thirty minutes after picking up the car we have made the one kilometre transition to the motorway.

Now, it should all be plain sailing and for a while, it is. A wrinkle occurs about forty minutes in, I am not sure what happens, but we are not on a motorway any more but find ourselves plunging into a city called Santa Cruz. Whilst pleading with the now sleepy and slightly grumpy Twinnies to look at maps and provide advice, I plunge on through the city, reasoning that we will pick up the motorway on the other side.

I have since discovered there is no motorway on the other side of Santa Cruz. There is, however an extremely long and windy mountain hugging road which leads to the middle of nowhere (Tenerife, Northern tip). This discovery took approximately forty-five minutes. Another forty-five minutes later I discover  that the extremely long and mountain hugging road looks very similar going the other way. On the upside, there is a traffic lane between me and the sea, several hundred feet below.

Below is a map with some lines drawn on it. The red line indicates where we should have gone, the blue squiggles are an artists impression of the way we actually went.

Back on track, uneventful motorway follows, we eventually reach a signpost which points to the region where our villa is located. Neither Twinny can make sense of the map. I pull off at the first exit and demand to see it. I note a number at the bottom which appears to indicate a junction number, not far from where we are. Shortly after this we arrive at our villa, a mere three and a half hours after picking up the hire car.

They say practice makes perfect. When it comes to car journeys in foreign climes with Twinnies, I can attest to the truth of this saying. The return journey to the car rental desk / warehouse took a mere one hour and seven minutes.

More soon Dear Reader 

xxx

The Post That Wasn't

Dear Reader, 

I have spent most of this month wrestling over a post on the subject of global warming. Having spent some time on it I now understand the following:

• I am not qualified to write it
• It is too complicated
• It is not funny

I am annoyed as this post had a great punch line but I had no idea of how I could possibly get to it. I am even more annoyed that as a result I have deprived my largely snoring readership of any activity since the beginning of the month. 

I have let go of an idea and parked it. I may never return to it. I am not used to this. An old saying sprang to mind: "No matter how far you have traveled down a certain road it is never too late to turn back."  

There are some practical considerations that mean the above statement does not fit all individuals or situations. If you have traveled too far down a one-way street for instance.

Indiana Jones constantly found himself in situations where it was far too late to turn back. Running headlong down the chosen path often seemed to be the only option.

Indy, running.

Dr Who, who has made a career out of defeating aliens by running away from them would also disagree with the above.

Dr Who, running.

Having read the above back it sounds like a speech that some preacher might trot out in a sermon, using popular media characters to validate his point. Let me demonstrate: 

[Mid Sermon]

Preacher:  Indiana Jones constantly found himself in situations where it was far too late to turn back. Then you have to ask yourself, what would [insert deity] have done?

Me (in imaginary congregation): Given Indy's propensity for peril, I would suggest keep on running and kill any bad guys who got in the way.

Preacher: That was not the point I was trying to make and I am in the middle of my sermon.

Me (in imaginary congregation): This is a theological heckle.

Preacher: Well shut up then.

And the next one goes like this:

[Mid Sermon]

Preacher: Dr Who, who has made a career out of defeating aliens by running away from them would also disagree with the phase "No matter how far you have traveled down a certain road it is never too late to turn back."  In these situations what would [insert deity] have done?

Me (in imaginary congregation): Depends on what was chasing him, also when. Take the Daleks for instance, until the revamp when the BBC got some money to spend on special effects they were not very good with stairs. If [insert deity] is running away prior to 2005 I would simply suggest finding some stairs,   climbing them and look down laughing from a balcony. After that, it would be a bit more tricky as...

Preacher: The question was rhetorical, please be quiet.

Me (in imaginary congregation): I've barely started.

Preacher: This is my party, bugger off.

I'm not sure what you are to make of this Dear Reader. It seems old adages don't always stand up to critical scrutiny and the word sermon should not be confused with the word debate. What seems to be clear is that running away is often a good idea, glad we sorted that out then.

On that note, I am going to take my own advice and run away. More soon.

x

All Hallows Eve Survival Guide

Dear Reader,

I was watching a haunted house-type horror flick over the weekend (Insidious - quite good actually!) and I was amazed to see that no-one seems to know the rules of survival and what to avoid. As it is now Halloween I have compiled a list of DON'TS that should allow you to survive the witching hour. 

Innocent pumpkin attacked again!

A fair observation regarding this survival guide is that it is a little late. Keep it handy, you can always use it next year. If you have committed any of these then you probably have enough on your plate at the moment.

So, to the list. Avoid all of the following this All Hallows Eve (and generally) and all should be well with your world.

• If there is a noise emanating from the attic, DO NOT investigate. It may be a trapped bird, or mice, but it is probably something far more sinister that will result in broken bones, possession of loved ones, death, or worse. Amityville Horror, Insidious and almost every over film involving a house.
• Ditto for the cellar.
• Ditto for recessed cupboards.
• DO NOT inhabit a house where the previous incumbents have met a sticky end due to a family member going crazy with a shotgun. This applies to any weapons, knifes, bats etc. Amityville Horror and many others.
• DO NOT inhabit a house built on an ancient American Indian burial ground. Very bad things will happen. Poltergeist, specifically.
• DO NOT bury a recently deceased pet in a pet cemetary built over the top of an ancient American Indian burial ground. The subsequent return of the roadkill that used to be Tiddles may seem like a good idea at the time but trust me, it isn't. Pet Cemetery.
• Just to be sure, avoid anything to do with ancient burial grounds, regardless of the race of the deceased incumbents.
• If you should happen upon a charming gentleman with icy white skin and pointed teeth, DO NOT invite him in. He is not cool, it is very unlikely that he is Marilyn Manson. Dracula (1931), Dracula (1992) and many more.
• If you happen to be a priest or wearing priests' clothing, I would strongly suggest not standing near a flight of steep stairs. Also avoid churches (ironically) during thunderstorms. The Exorcist, (steep stairs), The Omen, (churches).
• If your husband is a frustrated writer, DO NOT choose to take a three month sabbatical in a hotel that will cut off from the world by snow. The Shining.
• If you happen to purchase small fluffy creatures from a dubious Chinese curiosity shop DO NOT get them wet and DO NOT feed them after Midnight. Similar instructions may also be applied to my good wife's hair. Gremlins.
• If you happen to be going to a party resist the urge to drop a bucket of pig's blood over the Prom Queen's head. Bad things will happen. Carrie.
• DO NOT leave the telly on static on Halloween and expect that somebody won't get sucked into it. Poltergeist. 

Hopefully these handy little tips will help you survive this and upcoming Halloweens.

One last thing: if you have followed all of the above and hear a knock on the door it's OK to answer it. If you are greeted with a motley bunch of zombies, witches, vampires and werewolves shouting trick or treat DO NOT respond as follows,  "Oh Trick please, can you make a rabbit appear from a hat?"  

Happy Halloween dear reader.

xx

The Sound of The Omen

Dear Reader,

So, whilst watching the horror classic The Omen (1976, not the remake), my mind was strangely drawn to another movie, The Sound Of Music. Two films that are not exactly on the same page with regards to audience, content or theme. Two films that are hardly on the same page within our own house-hold either. The Omen scores highly, whilst the Sound Of Music is something that comes on at Christmas, that I grumble through with a grudging acceptance of it's genius whilst Smiffy, my wife and tireless editor would probably be happy to watch on loop endlessly whilst I serve her liquid food intravenously.

Sickly Sweet Nanny

The More Demonic Variety

If you are unaware of either (or both) of these celluloid classics then some background may be required. Let's start with The Omen, which, like The Exorcist and  Carrie were truly shocking, scary movies, that challenged  the boundaries of what was acceptable at the time. Censorship took an extended lunch, it seemed. The Omen's most important character is Damien, the son of the devil, who, (rather incomprehensibly), happens to land in the lap of an American diplomat and his wife.

The Sound of Music however, is from a different decade and different camp (pun intended) of movie entirely. This, along with Mary Poppins were the the truly great sugar-candy soaked musicals of the sixties. Suffice to say that although I appreciate how good these films are, poking me in the eye regularly at Christmas time with cocktail sticks would be light relief from watching these screen gems on loop. The Sound Of Music is all about a bunch of brats in pre-WWII Austria struggling to be lovely under the iron-gauntlet of their father until Julie Andrews comes along, and tells them that doh is in fact a deer, a female deer, Ray is a ray of golden sun (not my recent builder) etc etc and all is well again.

Where the hell is this going, I hear you ask? Rightly so, onward, and to the point... a long time coming though it may have been.

Whilst musing during The Omen I identified a clear connection between itself and The Sound Of Music... strong female nanny characters... bear with me. Granted the nanny character in the Omen was a sour-faced matron touting Devil Dog fiends from the denizens from hell, whilst Julie Andrews was more about puppet shows, singing and generally being nice, the point is they are both strong characters that looked after and influenced children. The children in question should also be considered in this rather pained analogy; Julie has to look after seven gifted entertainers who wouldn't harm a flea, whilst the nanny character from The Omen has to deal with the son of the devil, who was a bit of a handful, what with hospitalising his mother and attempting to take over the world and all... Can you imagine Supernanny trying to put him in timeout? Anyhoo...

Having made this extremely tenuous (some would say non-existent) connection between these two great movies where the fuck am I going with this?  Well for me the title of this posts explains my thoughts rather aptly. It seems that Andrew Lloyd Webber, Ben Elton and Co can make a musical about almost anything these days so here's the pitches...

Pitch 1:

Sour-faced denizen from Hell nanny complete with collection of rabid Rottweilers is delivered to a romantic location in pre-WWII Austria where her task will be to turn her deeply irritating collection of seven brats who have occasionally been known to throw stones into a vocal harmony singing group. Imagine her journey from devil-worshiper to competent nanny, complete with the Rotties giving birth to seven Rottie puppies who turn out to be a singing group themselves.

Pitch 2:

Julie Andrews (or more to the point the modern equivalent, who will be chosen in the new BBC talent search "Who Wants to Sing the Sound Of  the Omen"), will be placed in a fractured household of a diplomat (constantly hounded by mad priests and equally mad journalists) to replace the previously deceased (hanged) nanny and will by the virtue of song and puppet shows put Damien on the straight and narrow. The song "Why Am I Not The Same", a solo featuring the nanny cradling the young Damien in her arms, discovering the 666 tattoo on his forehead and telling him everything will be OK is destined to become a classic.

For me either would make a musical I might go and see.

Watch out for The Sound Of Omen coming to a theatre near you. Andrew, are you listening?

If you have not seen The Omen or The Sound Of Music none of this will make any sense whatsoever. Having read this back, it may well be the case that if you have seen both of these movies this will post will still make no sense whatsoever. Oh well, publish and be damned.

More soon dear reader xxx

Speed, and Dying Like a Doofus.

Dear Readers,

I was watching Speed the other night, (guilty pleasure) and something occurred to me that I hadn't noticed before. This sort of thing happens when you watch a movie too often and over-analyze. Before you get too carried away with your speculation I am not a big movie geek. I have watched Speed, (for example) maybe ten times in the fifteen or so years since it's been out. I have watched Star Wars no more than twenty times. Debbie Does Dallas (the directors cut) however...

Sorry, I was talking about movies, specifically Speed. For some reason I was drawn to the expression on the face of Keanu's partner when he realised he had blundered into a house rigged with explosives. The camera lingered on the look, but it wasn't the (acted) look of someone who was about to die. It was the acted look of someone who was a bit of a doofus. I was confused as to how this particular moment of the film made the final cut, as the look didn't really gel with mood of the film. It bugged me for a good ten minutes, I missed half of the final subway sequence as a result.

I do have an explanation however, with pictures and words...

So, the actor in question was Jeff Daniels, and for those of you who have a foggy memory of the movie and the era he looked like this:

At this point he has about a minute left before being exploded, a crazed and steely eyed expression was in place. The smirk/smile will shortly evolve into the look of a doofus.

Jeff was also working on another movie that was released in same year, (1994), so it is possible that he was working on both projects at the same time. Perhaps this was too much for him to cope with, as I think an acting expression from the other project found it's way into Speed. At this point it would be helpful to illustrate Jeff in his other major role released in 1994:

That will be Dumb and Dumber; not an action movie! By an amusing coincidence the character played by Jeff in both movies was called Harry. It would be fair to say that the Harry character in Dumb and Dumber was a doofus of the highest order.

What I like to think happened is that Jeff may have got a little confused on the set of Speed when the director asked "What would Harry do?" and got in the wrong character.

Jeff (I believe) was suffering from auditorysplitharry disorder, a disorder so rare I had to make it up.

Hence slap bang in the middle of one of the best action movies of the 90's is one of the best comedy movies of the 90's trying to come out.

Hope this all makes sense to the lovers of these two very fine, albeit, sixteen year old films.

PS: I wanted to write a smart PS that tied into the Speed theme of things needing to go at 50MPH, and I did. However it was pointed out to me by the thought police (wife) that you have to very careful about the use of certain words in airports and also in blogs. As a consequence a certain word beginning with b has had to be replaced with the word bubble. I hope that this does not in anyway reduce the your enjoyment of the next statement.

PPS: There is a bubble on this blog, if you read this blog at a rate of 50 characters a second the blog is armed, if you then read the blog below 50 characters a second the blog will explode. What 'cha gonna do hotshot?

PPPS: For legal reasons I have to point out that all of the above is nonsense just in case I end up being hounded like the Wikileaks man.

End. Lots of love! x