Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Any Chance You Could Expire Quietly?

Dear Reader,

There is a viral infection that's working its' way through our household. It started with me, it hasn't finished with me but I am much improved. Now it has worked its' way to my Dear Lady Wife. I don't know if it is the same infection, but, the symptoms are certainly similar. This/these infections have had a profound effect on all members of our household, not just the sufferers. Because of the symptoms of this infection the cats have been effected. Potential guests have also been effected. A number of changes to the house routine have been required. We have been coughing. As a result:
  • My good self and the dear lady wife no longer share beds.
  • The cats never sit near either us for any length of time.
  • All but one of the cats no longer share beds with us. 
  • When guests phone begging a bed we tell then to fuck off.
  • There is a big red X painted on our front door.
  • When a man comes round dragging a cart shouting "Bring out your dead!" we generally answer the door.
The more astute amongst you may have realised that the last two bullets were a teensy bit exaggerated. This is, however, how this household feels. The more cynical amongst you may be saying "It's not viral, it's Man Flu". To the more astute I say well spotted, to the more cynical, well, read on. One last thing to the more astute and all those other groups I missed out, you should read on as well.

So let's deal with the Man-Flu thing first. A definition of Man-Flu is required, so here it is.

Man-Flu: - A short-term infection, normally a cold, that is snatched upon by the suffering male. It should be noted that the diagnosis of Man-Flu is not made by a doctor, but normally by a female. Let me re-phrase, this diagnosis is always made by a female.

So, I was seriously ill for three weeks, I am now six weeks in to this and am still not right. This is not Man-Flu. This is not Girl-Flu. This is not any flavour of trans-gender alteration-Flu. This is a viral infection. This was confirmed by a Doctor. I actually got an appointment at my GP because I was not used to being ill for so long. He confirmed the following with the aid of special instruments:
  • My lungs had not collapsed. He did this by listening to them.
  • My heart had not stopped. He did this by listening to it.
Then he said (after all of this spectacularly advance diagnosis) "you have a virus. Ride it, live it, enjoy the consequences. Come back in a while if your symptoms have changed dramatically". "Yip Yip". I said. If my lungs collapse or my heart fails, to be sure, you will be the next person to call after the undertaker. So I'm largely done with doctors, it's the Winter and they have no idea how to deal with the newest and shiniest viruses floating about. They probably have no idea how to deal with the oldest and dullest viruses floating about. Lesson learned, the flu jab may have helped.

My Angelic Cough.

In the interim the Dear Lady Wife has picked up something. A close variant to my virus. Like  mine, it goes on. Like mine, there is coughing, lots of coughing. Unlike mine, the coughing is almost constant. My coughing came in groups of three, and then stopped for a  couple of hours. Dear Lady Wife wants her own way. Dear Lady Wife wants to cough all the time. Dear Lady Wife only wants to pause for breathe. This is clearly bad for her, but it is also bad for me. I am trying to reclaim sleep, but it is being robbed by my Dear Lady Wife.

Evil Wife Cough - Can You See The Difference?
This is also bad for the cats, who have no tolerance for coughing. As for guests, sorry but we are ill. Did you not see the big red X painted on the door. Go away and come back when we are better.

As for Dear Lady Wife? I have been sympathetic, but I am not on leave anymore. I am trying to work and sleep.

Should I put her out of her misery?

Your comments gratefully appreciated.

More soon Dear Reader.



  1. There's something for you on my blog :)

  2. There certainly is, and now it's on mine too! Thank you again :)