Visitors

Dear Reader,

The peaceful tranquillity of our humble abode will sometimes be shattered by a knock on the door. On the other side of the door will be a visitor. Visitors come in two categories, those that are welcome and those that are not so welcome. 

The Welcomes:

• The Postman (who, incidentally is a woman, perhaps I should use Postperson from now on?) - weighed down with Dear Lady Wife's latest purchase in her ongoing quest to try every piece of clothing ever produced in her size.
• The Postperson (2) - weighed down with Dear Lady Wife's latest purchase in her ongoing quest to try every pair of shoes ever produced in her size.
• The Postperson (3) - holding a box the contains that latest in a long list of frivolous purchases by my good-self. Recently I bought a fridgepet, now everytime I open the fridge door I get greeted in Japanese. I feel compelled to respond in kind, even if I have a hangover. If you don't believe me see the demo below...

• Pizza delivery people - Well, anyone who brings us food actually.
• Friends - thought I better mention them to avoid offence.
• Cats - obviously.

The not-so Welcomes:

• Children - normally saying "Can I have me ball back?" Is it wrong to say "no, but you are welcome to come round for the ceremonial burning this evening when we offer the ball as a sacrifice to Lord Voldemort?" 
• People selling things - this situation is not as bad as it used to be, as text messaging is more efficient and infinitely more irritating. If the dude that sent me 43 text messages (normally in the middle of the night) asking if I had been in an accident that was not my fault would like to come round and discuss, well, I may be involved in an accident that is very much my fault. If you wanted evidence that the Devil is alive, well and having a blast then look no further.
• People selling ideas - whether they be political, or worse.

Having run through the possibilities I have, finally, come to the point of this post. We had a visitor the other day, it was a Sunday, during the day, which eliminates all the welcomes except cats, but they generally don't knock. I am greeted with two very pleasant, earnestly smiling people. I can tell immediately that these people are selling ideas. I begin the mental preparation required for this sternest of doorstep tests.

"Have you ever thought about why we are here?" asks the earnestly smiling man nearest the door. Questions, they always have questions. "Erm, I haven't got time for this." I mumble, weakly.

"That's fine," says earnestly smiling man, radiating even greater levels of earnestness whilst passing me a pamphlet, "why don't you take this and consider the purpose of life?" 

At this point I am tempted to quote renowned theologian and philosophical thinker 50 Cent and respond with the immortal words "Get rich or die tryin'" but the moment has already passed and I close the door. Another opportunity missed.

So, to the pamphlet, there is always a pamphlet. Like most pamphlets, it has a front cover, a back cover, there are pages in between, those pages are covered in words, those words are arranged in such a way as to form sentences and those sentences have been arranged into paragraphs. Don't be fooled into thinking that makes it sensible and logical though. The arrangement of the words may hold up to grammatical inspection, but that is the last test these words will pass.

And then there are the pictures... There is always something not quite right about pictures in these pamphles. Some examples are required...

Oh good, keep it up.

Not sure which box I should tick...

I think there are a couple of things which should be in the top 20 which are missing. Maybe there is a revision.

Good news, as long as you do.

Cool, I should be able to get it at McDonalds soon then.

I think you get the idea.  In summary, I think I passed the sternest of doorstep tests, this time. Next time I may show weakness, or I may invite them in, or their hypnotic stare may take me to a processing facility in Delaware. In two years time I may be the earnestly smiling gentleman on the doorstep, posing the millenia old question "what is the purpose of life?"

More soon Dear Reader

xx

PS: Thank you to I Found God on the Subway for the last four images above, well worth a look.