Sunday, 22 January 2012

The Post That Wasn't

Dear Reader, 

I have spent most of this month wrestling over a post on the subject of global warming. Having spent some time on it I now understand the following:
  • I am not qualified to write it
  • It is too complicated
  • It is not funny
I am annoyed as this post had a great punch line but I had no idea of how I could possibly get to it. I am even more annoyed that as a result I have deprived my largely snoring readership of any activity since the beginning of the month. 

I have let go of an idea and parked it. I may never return to it. I am not used to this. An old saying sprang to mind: "No matter how far you have traveled down a certain road it is never too late to turn back."  

There are some practical considerations that mean the above statement does not fit all individuals or situations. If you have traveled too far down a one-way street for instance.

Indiana Jones constantly found himself in situations where it was far too late to turn back. Running headlong down the chosen path often seemed to be the only option.

Indy, running.
Dr Who, who has made a career out of defeating aliens by running away from them would also disagree with the above.

Dr Who, running.
Having read the above back it sounds like a speech that some preacher might trot out in a sermon, using popular media characters to validate his point. Let me demonstrate: 

[Mid Sermon]
Preacher:  Indiana Jones constantly found himself in situations where it was far too late to turn back. Then you have to ask yourself, what would [insert deity] have done?
Me (in imaginary congregation): Given Indy's propensity for peril, I would suggest keep on running and kill any bad guys who got in the way.
Preacher: That was not the point I was trying to make and I am in the middle of my sermon.
Me (in imaginary congregation): This is a theological heckle.
Preacher: Well shut up then.

And the next one goes like this:

[Mid Sermon]
Preacher: Dr Who, who has made a career out of defeating aliens by running away from them would also disagree with the phase "No matter how far you have traveled down a certain road it is never too late to turn back."  In these situations what would [insert deity] have done?
Me (in imaginary congregation): Depends on what was chasing him, also when. Take the Daleks for instance, until the revamp when the BBC got some money to spend on special effects they were not very good with stairs. If [insert deity] is running away prior to 2005 I would simply suggest finding some stairs,   climbing them and look down laughing from a balcony. After that, it would be a bit more tricky as...
Preacher: The question was rhetorical, please be quiet.
Me (in imaginary congregation): I've barely started.
Preacher: This is my party, bugger off.

I'm not sure what you are to make of this Dear Reader. It seems old adages don't always stand up to critical scrutiny and the word sermon should not be confused with the word debate. What seems to be clear is that running away is often a good idea, glad we sorted that out then.

On that note, I am going to take my own advice and run away. More soon.


Wednesday, 4 January 2012

New Year's Resolutions

Dear Reader,

We have recovered from the festivities over the Christmas and New Year period. This is a time for introspection and consideration of what we may do differently in the future, apparently. Personally, although I do not find my life perfect, I do not feel the need for New Year's resolutions. My only New Year's resolution  is to not make any New Year's resolutions; dammit, foiled again. 

Anyhoo, unlike me, the Dear Lady Wife needs to make a New Year's resolution for the sake of our family. For the future of our family. Or should I be more concise; to stop me reaching for sharp, blunt, loaded, furry, spiky or otherwise encumbered objects during a certain task that DLW finds a little bit challenging. If she does not do this small thing then I may need to apply for a shotgun license.

So, I hear you ask, what is this terrible crime that DLW commits; what habit does she have that warrants so much venom; what affectation drives me to the brink of murder?

A picture should be painted,  let me try to illustrate with some words. DLW is on iTunes and wants the latest thing from Lady YoYo or Katy Sherry and as a consequence would like to purchase said item.

Katy Sherry - Elmo Romance nothing to do with Rustle split.
Lady Yo Yo - Fillet dress? No Misteak.
This is not actually a sin, DLW should indulge in whatever she sees fit, just don't PLAY IT TO ME FIVE TIMES IN A ROW AFTER A COUPLE OF GLASSES OF WINE!!! Ooops, that damn CAPS LOCK! The playing is not the issue, no, the acquisition is the issue. 

A conversation may be required:

DLW: I quite like this new song from Shady LaLa.
Me: Shady LaLa?
DLW: Yep, she is artistic, a little bit mad and she wears shades.
Me: Oh, that Shady LaLa, I was getting mixed up with someone else.
DLW: How do I do this?
Me: Click buy.
DLW: It's asking me for a password.
Me: That would be the password you provided when you set-up the account.
DLW: What account?
Me: The same account that you used to buy the Katy Sherry thing the other day.
Me: You must have used your email address and a password, have you tried these?

DLW: Yes, I have tried all of them, I have tried it with an upper case letter, a lower case letter, with a number on the end, with a number on the start, with a small fluffy animal in the middle. It's all your fault...

Me: (Ducking under wine bottles, expensive china and masonry): How would it be my fault my sweet? I am merely an onlooker in this rapidly expanding bout of rage and larger fonts. Have you tried to reset the password?


Me: I understand how important this request is to you. The use of a large font, CAPS LOCK, and a small fluffy animal have made your requirement for a password crystal clear. However my advice is the same, the only difference being that it is now delivered by a burly security guard who I hide behind the back of.

DLW: I have reset this password a million times. Every time I return to this site I have to reset the password. Why can they not remember the password I set last time?

Me: What was the password you set last time?

DLW: I don't know!

Me: Then maybe you need to reset it?

DLW: I shouldn't need to. The password is in a special place.

Me: And where might that place be?

DLW: If I knew that I wouldn't be talking to you. It is in my special book of things, which I have recently lost.

Me: Ah, I see the problem here. However I do not have an immediate solution. Would it be OK if I went to bed and did not have to get involved in the five year search for the book of special things?

DLW: You don't even care about how important the book of special things is. You used a small font.  Go choke on your small words. Let us hope that the pillow smothers you in scary dreams that grab you and hold you.

Me: Good night honey

DLW: Fine!

This sort of dialogue happens quite regularly in our humble abode. Thankfully, the pillow hasn't smothered me as yet. So the New Year's resolution for DLW should be to set a password for all things and remember it, or write it down, or have it tattooed backwards on her forehead, whatever works.

In the interim I watch the pillow with suspicion.

Happy New Year dear reader.