Monday, 31 October 2011

All Hallows Eve Survival Guide

Dear Reader,

I was watching a haunted house-type horror flick over the weekend (Insidious - quite good actually!) and I was amazed to see that no-one seems to know the rules of survival and what to avoid. As it is now Halloween I have compiled a list of DON'TS that should allow you to survive the witching hour. 

Innocent pumpkin attacked again!
A fair observation regarding this survival guide is that it is a little late. Keep it handy, you can always use it next year. If you have committed any of these then you probably have enough on your plate at the moment.

So, to the list. Avoid all of the following this All Hallows Eve (and generally) and all should be well with your world.
  • If there is a noise emanating from the attic, DO NOT investigate. It may be a trapped bird, or mice, but it is probably something far more sinister that will result in broken bones, possession of loved ones, death, or worse. Amityville HorrorInsidious and almost every over film involving a house.
  • Ditto for the cellar.
  • Ditto for recessed cupboards.
  • DO NOT inhabit a house where the previous incumbents have met a sticky end due to a family member going crazy with a shotgun. This applies to any weapons, knifes, bats etc. Amityville Horror and many others.
  • DO NOT inhabit a house built on an ancient American Indian burial ground. Very bad things will happen. Poltergeist, specifically.
  • DO NOT bury a recently deceased pet in a pet cemetary built over the top of an ancient American Indian burial ground. The subsequent return of the roadkill that used to be Tiddles may seem like a good idea at the time but trust me, it isn't. Pet Cemetery.
  • Just to be sure, avoid anything to do with ancient burial grounds, regardless of the race of the deceased incumbents.
  • If you should happen upon a charming gentleman with icy white skin and pointed teeth, DO NOT invite him in. He is not cool, it is very unlikely that he is Marilyn Manson. Dracula (1931), Dracula (1992) and many more.
  • If you happen to be a priest or wearing priests' clothing, I would strongly suggest not standing near a flight of steep stairs. Also avoid churches (ironically) during thunderstorms. The Exorcist, (steep stairs), The Omen, (churches).
  • If your husband is a frustrated writer, DO NOT choose to take a three month sabbatical in a hotel that will cut off from the world by snow. The Shining.
  • If you happen to purchase small fluffy creatures from a dubious Chinese curiosity shop DO NOT get them wet and DO NOT feed them after Midnight. Similar instructions may also be applied to my good wife's hair. Gremlins.
  • If you happen to be going to a party resist the urge to drop a bucket of pig's blood over the Prom Queen's head. Bad things will happen. Carrie.
  • DO NOT leave the telly on static on Halloween and expect that somebody won't get sucked into it. Poltergeist
Hopefully these handy little tips will help you survive this and upcoming Halloweens.

One last thing: if you have followed all of the above and hear a knock on the door it's OK to answer it. If you are greeted with a motley bunch of zombies, witches, vampires and werewolves shouting trick or treat DO NOT respond as follows,  "Oh Trick please, can you make a rabbit appear from a hat?"  

Happy Halloween dear reader.


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