Fundamentalism and Flat Pack Furniture Assembly

Dear Reader,

Fundamentalism has been in the news a lot recently. The horrific events in Norway have brought Christian Fundamentalism to the attention of the masses and Muslim Fundamentalism has been in the headlines since the reign of Ayatollah Khomeni in Iran in the 1980's. Fundamentalism hasn't been receiving the greatest press, which on the face of it seems a little unfair. Now, I am not condoning the recent atrocities in Norway or any other horrific act committed by so called fundamentalists, just trying to understand fundamentalism a little bit more.

This doesn't sound like the most promising start to a blog post but bear with me.

So, fundamentalism in a religious sense can be defined by the following statements:

• Their god or gods articulated their will clearly to their prophets.
• Followers have an accurate and reliable record of those revelations.

Seems simple enough, right? Fundamentalism, assuming the above is true, has no room for grey areas, it either is or it isn't. This post isn't about tearing apart any of the above, this post is about taking those basic statements and applying them to the modern world.  Let's see how we get on.

Enter Eric, who is a fundamentalist flat pack furniture assembler. He has just gone to a major furniture retailer and made a purchase, now he has opened the box and is presented with a set of instructions. This is the word of god Ikea, articulated through the prophet Benno (an 80" cd tower).

Eric considers this to be a promising beginning to the words of Benno. Assuming the altar is pictured it is a little on the skinny but who is he to question. Benno must be a very important prophet as his name is in bigger letters that the great god Ikea's. Let's move on.

Wow, thinks Eric, there is a lot of information to process here, Benno seems to think that a picture paints a thousand words. Some words would help though. The first image must be Benno, who it seems is (or was) a carpenter. The second image is a little trickier, should one not urinate on things when you are your knees? Apparently stroking them is OK though. The third image is a little clearer. Benno is confused by the words of the great god Ikea, the telephone is obviously metaphorical. The fourth image presents many challenges of interpretation, has Benno failed some sort of test? Maybe things will become clearer later.

So this makes a little more sense, thinks Eric. Benno is to build something, and he will need these items. He is a carpenter, he will understand.

Eric thinks the great god Ikea has been quite explicit here. Twelve things need to be inserted into two long things. Ten other things interconnect with some things, OK maybe not quite as clear as first thought. Is Benno being instructed to build an altar?

Once more, this seems to be quite specific, and yet confusing at the same time. Twelve objects are inserted somewhere with the aid of a screwdriver. And then the pencils, is this some sort of test? Two pencils at the same time?

Hmmm, thinks Eric. So picture 5 is about direction. Is this the direction the altar should be facing? Or is it the direction one should be facing when one is at prayer. Picture 6 clearly involves six nails. Confusingly Benno seems to have taken on a more human form, is this significant?

Eric is becoming a little exasperated. The words of Benno are nearly complete and he really is none the wiser. What is one to make of this? The altar spoke and requested 40 things and this allowed something else to levitate above? Eventually leading to a number of arrows appearing? 

Ah, thinks Eric, so this is a clear reference to the image on the second page. Unfortunately I am still none the wiser. Eric checks the box, what is all this wood for?

However, Eric has made more than one purchase. Perhaps Ektorp (Love Seat Cover) will have the answers...

So, Eric's fundamentalist approach to words has left him without a CD tower, but on the plus side he does have a huge quantity of discarded MDF in his garage. Also he has deduced that Benno was a carpenter. The furnishing of his flat is a little sparse though.

IKEA and their rivals really need to heed the basic tenets of fundamentalism, if they did Eric might get a CD Tower.

More soon dear reader xx

Rupert's Apology - An in-depth analysis

Dear Reader,

So, the chief of News International, Rupert Murdoch is getting hauled through the mud as a result of the phone-hacking scandal that is already engulfing the UK arm of his newspaper empire and threatens to spread to other parts of his business.

Rupert's Spitting Image cameo.

In damage-control mode he has tried a number of things to mitigate the unfolding disaster, including:

• Shutting down the News Of The World.
• Backing out of his planned takeover of BSkyB.
• Accepting the resignation of Rebekah Brooks, his most powerful UK executive. She has subsequently been arrested as part of the on-going police investigation into the scandal
• Apologising in person to the parents of Mille Dowler, whose phone was allegedly hacked while she was still missing, before being found dead.

Now,  like a good American movie star coming out of re-hab comes the public apology, posted in every mainstream UK newspaper. Below is the text of the letter annotated by my good self.

Rupert: We are sorry.

Me: We are scared, petrified in fact.

Rupert: The News of the World was in the business of holding others to account. It failed when it came to itself.

Me: The News of the World was in the business of producing sensationalist headlines about others. It has succeeded in producing quite a lot of headlines about itself.

Rupert: We are sorry for the serious wrongdoing that occurred. We are deeply sorry for the hurt suffered by the individuals affected.

Me: We are sorry that we got seriously caught. We are deeply sorry for the hurt suffered by News International

Rupert: We regret not acting faster to sort things out. I realise that simply apologising is not enough.

Me: We regret getting caught. I realise that getting caught is not a good thing.

Rupert: Our business was founded on the idea that a free and open press should be positive force in society. We need to live up to this.

Me: Our business was founded on the idea of making headlines, oh, and money. We need to continue doing this.

Rupert: In the coming days, as we take further concrete steps to resolve these issues and make amends for the damage they have caused, you will hear more from us.

Me: In the coming days we will sack and sacrifice whomever is required to make this go away, expect more lies, scapegoats and sacrificial lambs.

Like Rupert, you will hear more from me in the coming days as News International continues to implode in such a spectacular fashion.

More soon dear reader xx

Cat Garden Fight Club

Dear Reader,

So, I recently wrote about London Underground Fight Club which has proved to be the most popular posts on my blog. Today, I am writing about something closer to home, my cats. Specifically Randall, who has grown up a little since my previous post about him and has turned into a small, but perfectly formed adult Scottish Fold. If you don't know the breed enjoy the video below:

Randall is now an adult cat and loves his life. He is largely instructed by one of our elder cats who has taken a bit of shine to him. Most lessons have been taught well and learnt well. However, when it comes to battles over territory his teacher lacks the skills that need to be passed down. Our teachers' reaction to a territorial matter is not that of a typical cat. It is, shall we say, sort of Italian. That is to say, find reverse gear as quickly as possible and move away rapidly from a confrontation. Randall has either chosen not to accept this piece of wisdom or has made up his reaction to territorial invasion on his own.

These are the rules which most cats observe, if a cat violates my territory then the following should occur:

1. Staring and Freezing: Both parties, once aware of each others presence should hold stance at a significant distance and stare.
2. Having locked horns/eyes the stare should be held whilst the territorial owner should by small increments get closer to the other cat.
3. As the distance is slowly closed the invading cat should yowl, showing the other cat that it is not going to back down. This may take some time.
4. After some time the invading cat will normally start a very slow backing down process, which involves reversing very slowly to the nearest exit, whilst never taking eyes off the territory owner. Eventually the process ends at this point if it has not already been interrupted by an irritated neighbour or by me in my dressing gown.

Randall's approach is a little more straightforward and can be described thus:

1. Staring and Freezing: Both parties, once aware of each others presence should hold stance at a significant distance and stare.
2. Randall becomes bored and runs full pelt at the initially surprised invader. Unsure what to do, unsettled by this clear violation of the rules of engagement, instinct kicks and he (or she) runs too. No doubt pondering what the hell had just happened.   

Oh, and he doesn't know the golden rule of cat garden fight club, as in, he always talks about it.

Oops, it has just been pointed out to me that this my third cat related post in recent weeks. Apologies dear reader I can't help myself. Time for something more fluffy, light-hearted and cute, like Rupert Murdoch and  the imminent demise of News International.

Coming soon dear reader xxx 

  

Cats Vs Apples

Dear Reader,

A slightly more meaty post to come shortly, but here is a beautifully crafted tale of a baby Scottish Fold stalking apples, put to music.

Absolute genius. Go on waste two minutes of your life.

More soon dear reader xxx

Is It Possible to Love Cats Too Much?

Dear Reader,

Regular readers of my musings will be a little surprised by the question posed by this post. Up until recently I didn't think this was possible. However a recent discovery from YouTube has made me re-think my position. It seems that it is not only possible to love cats too much, it is possible that this love of cats is so overwhelming that simple tasks may become impossible to complete.

Like all afflictions, it seems the most extreme cases are the hardest to watch.

More soon dear reader

xxx