Thursday, 29 September 2011

Sneezing - Get a Grip

Dear Reader, 

I have become increasingly irritated by the sneezing habits of certain people in our household, namely Smiffy, my dear lady wife. As a consequence I need to share my frustration in the hope that you, dear reader, will perhaps identify with my frustration. In this way I shall get some validation and feel less like an intolerant fool. 

I understand that people sneeze. I sneeze. There is nothing wrong with that. The thing that causes me the irritation is the sneezing cycle, the handling of the sneeze and the noise.

Different people sneeze differently, this I also understand. There are dainty sneezes, that are nothing more than a cute squeak, (normally girls). There are keep it in sneezers and there are let it out sneezers. Let it out sneezers celebrate the sneeze in all its glory whereas the keep it in sneezer suppresses the sneeze to the best of their ability. This does not always work, sometimes the sneeze is too strong and it becomes a let it out sneeze anyway. Sometimes the keep it in sneezer is caught unawares and becomes a let it out sneezer for the moment.

I am a keep it in sneezer. I have become quite good at it and enjoy the little white dots that swim in front of the eyes if you have managed to keep in a particularly strong one. Occasionally I to become a let it out sneezer. If I am caught unawares then I become a violent and messy sneezer. I have not celebrated the sneeze, I have been overwhelmed by the sneeze. This is a sign of weakness. This is also messy. That sneeze was smarter than me and has won a battle. I try not to lose sleep over these losses.

Whilst writing this post I have become annoyed by the number of red lines appearing all over it. Apparently sneezer isn't a word. I have added it to the dictionary so it is now. Moving on...

Smiffy is in a different category. She is a serial sneezer. She is also a let it out sneezer. Finally she has a unique sneeze sound, a two-part sneeze which starts with an irritating sound which is then followed by really irritating one. If you follow Women's tennis then you may recognise the name of Victoria Azarenka, if you don't then here is a sample of here particular vocal skills.

This is closest real life example I can find to the second sound. Sneeze sound, then this. Sneeze sound, then this. Sneeze sound, then this. Sneeze sound, then this. Repeat NINE TIMES. 

I like to think of myself as a tolerant human. I can cope with a sneeze. I might even be able to cope with nine, let it out and all. It's the follow through that kills me. I can't sit through a game of tennis featuring Victoria Azarenka and I can't sit through one of my wife's sneezing fits. Does this make me a bad husband?

It seems a little unfair that I have castigated one of my wife's habits for comic effect, especially as she is not here to defend herself. She will however, beat me repeatedly when she has read this post. So to balance things out, I will categorically not be doing a similar piece on burping out loud in public next week.

More soon Dear Reader  xxx    

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